"My nightly update on everything that's not going on," declared Jimmy Kimmel at the top of his Quarantine Minilogue, the YouTube series that has temporarily replaced Jimmy Kimmel Live! amid the coronavirus disruption to regular programming.
"We've been holed up for, I think, eleven days now," he continued. "If you're anything like me, you went into this thinking, well, at least I'm finally going to get some stuff done around the house. Unfortunately my kids also went into this with a thought, and that thought was, 'you are not going to get anything done around the house.' So, that's how it is.'" His kids are also involved in his minilogues; singing the opening theme tune and sharing arts and crafts from time to time.
"I've also seen a lot of people posting about how Shakespeare and Sir Isaac Newton came up with some of their greatest ideas while under quarantine during the plague. That's great. So far all I've discovered is you can slide a laundry basket down the stairs, but congratulations to them. But some people are getting creative in isolation..."
At that point, the clip cut to a video of a man and woman dancing to the song "A Horse With No Name," configuring their bodies in a way that resembles a horse. "You see? Times of crisis really do produce great works of art," said Kimmel, inviting others to post videos with the hashtag #quarantimekiller. Kimmel will look through them and perhaps pick a winner in the future.
Later in the show, Kimmel touched upon an idea that Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick floated recently, "that old people are willing to go to an early grave in order to help boost the stock market." In a clip of Patrick speaking with Tucker Carlson, he said, "You know, Tucker, no one reached out to me as a senior citizen and said, 'Are you willing to take a chance on your survival in exchange for keeping the America that all Americans love, for your children and grandchildren. And if that's the exchange, I'm all in. And that doesn't make me noble or brave or anything like that."
"No, it makes you an idiot, said Kimmel in response. "I shouldn't say makes you an idiot; it reveals to us that you are an idiot." He noted how the Texas Governor isn't alone in this "moron-athon," citing the fact that President Trump is "planning the seeds of a back-to-work movement." In reference to Trump's virtual Town Hall meeting where he envisioned having America "open" by Easter, Kimmel said, "By Easter? That's in two and a half weeks. Even Jesus is like, 'Jesus! Calm down. Let's think this through. We're all going to die so the President can eat Peeps."
The late-night host went on to say, "And, in his daily press briefing yesterday, Trump directed a very pointed question to his taskforce coordinator Deborah Birx that indicates to me that he is dying for an audience, even if the audience doesn't like him." In a clip from Fox News, Trump declared, "We have a very angry media all around this room, and they want one of these seats, but because of social distancing, we are keeping them empty — and they are keeping them empty. Will there ever be a time when all of those really angry, angry people who don't like me much to start off with, but now they really don't like me — will there ever be a time when these seats are full to the brim like it used to be, where people are almost sitting on each other's lap?"
Continuing his comedic commentary, Kimmel said, "All he cares about is crowd size. And even with all this, a new CBS news poll shows that more than half of Americans approve of the job Trump's doing to combat the virus. I assume these are maybe the same people who approved of the ending to Thelma and Louise?
Later in the clip, Kimmel says hello to Dave Matthews, who is at home in Washington. "You found me! I don't even know how you found me," exclaimed Matthews. "I have cameras everywhere," answered Kimmel. "I'm always watching you." In their interview, Matthews said that he's getting used to this "strange time" and "updates of our fearless leader putting both his feet and both his hands in his mouth and bouncing around the room like a spectacular monkey-fool."
Among the things Matthews has learned in quarantine, "I have an amazing family." He then noted, "Being together without the possibility of going out and getting in contact with other friends, other than, you know, screens — has tested our patience." Sharing some more about his family, Matthews said he has two "deliberately wonderful twin girls" who are patient with each other due to spending so much time together in their regular routines. "They can go from fighting to peace pretty quickly," he added.
"Even that camaraderie — the fuses are shortened," Matthews said, considering the whole experience of being in home isolation. "[But] nobody has run out of the house screaming with their heads on fire."
Later, Matthews sings a song in his bathroom.
Watch the whole show below.
